They say that hindsight is 20-20.
Perspective counts for a lot once things break down and you have the opportunity to reflect.
I wonder if I was doomed from the start once I left the baking industry?
As a baker, I earnt a tertiary certificate in the trade through Ballarat University.
I became a shift manager, a production manager and then a manufacturing manager off no Year 12 graduate certificate...
...No experience in management prior...
...And no motivation to become better in my role, it was just the role that I undertook for the sake of money.
I was granted it because I was seen as a "likeable" individual.
A 'likeable' individual who was reliable and driven.
Eventually though I craved more...
Craved more money, more responsibility and more notoriety.
I left the baking industry in January 2021.
Fled the scene... (as is, unfortunately, all too common for me)
Packed up and backed myself in to find something better...
It took time...
I also had to pack up from the relationship that I was in at that stage, and it was a lot to deal with.
I was hell bent on creating a better reality for myself...
Hell bent on achieving more and finally gaining a sense of pride.
I don't know why but there was never any sense of pride in baking...
I couldn't feel it...
I'd go in there day after day, run the joint, be the beacon that drove the production, and then I'd go home and get stoned...
It paid the bills, but it didn't give me satisfaction...
Huh, there's that word again...Satisfaction...
Seems like its alluded me for a lot longer than I'd like to admit...
...As a baker I won awards.
I was named the best apprentice baker in Victoria at 17.
Qualified by 19.
Shift manager by 26.
Production manager at 28.
Manufacturing manager at 30.
At that stage I thought, 'hey, why not become a Line Manager! That sounds like the perfect progression...'
But that's where it all went wrong.
I became a Line Manager, moved away from my family to a house of my own.
Worked a solitary life (because the management world can be a lonely place).
Lived a solitary life (in a house on my own, with no partner or children).
Swamped in isolation from every angle in front of me.
Thats where I truly started abusing alcohol as a way to cope and a way to pass time.
A step UP in the professional world, but a massive step BACK in my own personal growth...
...I was drowning...
...In above my head...
...working a role that I wasn't familiar with and living in an unfamiliar place...
...I felt so much loneliness and emptiness, it was all consuming...
...I played that role for as long as I could before it all came crumbling down.
I live with so much regret.
Regret for my actions.
Regret for my choices.
Regret for my existence.
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