Dreaming is a funny thing, isn't it.
We go about our lives and live our days somewhat picking and choosing what to spend our energy thinking about...
Sometimes we do this in an attempt to control our own thought process and maintain our own comfortability....
...Then there's sleep and the state of dreaming, the literal and uncontrollable act of succumbing to our sub-conscious and suppressed feelings or thoughts.
Lucid dreaming is where a person knows they are dreaming whilst it is happening.
They usually have a level of control as to what happens within the dream itself.
Whereas non-lucid dreams are where the individual does not know they are asleep, and only becomes aware of it after waking up...
...To me, this is the greater curiosity in regard to dreaming...
I spend all day in constant combat with my mind and memories, only allowing myself to reflect on life in short bursts of emotional contemplation.
To allow myself to delve into these thoughts would be akin to undergoing the Ludovico's Technique.
So, what is one to do when it comes to sleep?..
...That is the question I need answered...
I've been awake for about 24 minutes and wanted to get this out while it's still fresh in my mind.
I spoke with my doctor yesterday and got a new script for some oil:
Somai 2.5:25 - Top notch stuff.
It knocked me on my ass straight away.
I took myself off to bed and drifted off into a deep and long sleep, barely moving a muscle whilst I was unconscious.
Enter: non-lucid dreaming...
It's dark, the moon is prominent in the night sky and the house is reasonably dilapidated.
There's a recurring presence of people in the house.
You're one of them, He's one of them, I'm one of them, and then there's just other bodies...
Friends, and or family, that are virtually faceless and nameless...
Even though the 3 of us are in the one house, the feeling is the same as it was 6 months ago...
You're seeing me in one area of the house and he's looking for you, angry that you don't seem to be around...
You and I have our moment of interaction before you return to his presence and explain where you've been...
At times I would sneak to the area of the house that you're in to attempt to see or overhear the interaction...
I'm often met with you snuggling up to him and reassuring him that he is actually 'the one.'
The general feelings that I then undergo within the dream are inexplicably accurate and relate to my actual feelings in the real world.
The scene I just described sounds short and incomplete yet whilst I'm dreaming it feels like it's taking place over hours and hours of sleep.
Occasional differences creep up but it's basically a replay of the same interactions and emotions.
In one part of the dream, I'm in a separate area of the house trying to mind my own business and he comes in and starts throwing shit around because he feels certain that you're hiding from him, and most likely with me.
After a short altercation he comes to learn that you're actually not with me.
He and I throw shade at each other throughout my sleep, things never escalating into physicality, just always staying at tongue-in-cheek jibes towards one another...
...And then I wake up...
...Left with a lingering feeling of anger, sorrow and emptiness...
...And with two specific faces seared into front of mind...
Ripper... Great way to start the day...
I'm ignored, blocked, hated, isolated and charged so why does my subconscious put me through this night after night?
It's an incredible torture weapon, I feel like I'm living in a Clockwork-Orange-inspired nightmare.
You're everything that dreams are made of, but you also haunt me like a poltergeist...
It's eerie...
What's even more ironic though is my gratitude for the dream itself, because without it I'd still not have spoken with you for months...
...It's like it allows me to feel a sense of closure...
...That it wasn't just a dream but a living experience...
...If I'm aware of what I'm going to dream about as I drift off, is that in itself a sense of lucidity?
Clarity and awareness?...
...Intelligibility?...
...I'll let you be the judge...
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